Vaudevillain

It was a magnificent day at Haven City's aptly named White Beach. NPCs in swimsuits lounged around getting their tan on while others swam in the cool ocean waters. A boardwalk of shops and stalls jutted out from the sandy beach, filled with carnival games and restaurants for the tourists. At the end of the boardwalk sat a group of sea lions begging for scraps of food from the tourists.

Every time one of the sea lions received food it would clap in appreciation, which in turn attracted more tourists. Yes, White Beach was a place of fun and relaxation. It was why Heroic was currently here taking a break from all the quests. The golden-haired man was relaxing under a large umbrella, admiring the realistic swimsuits on the women.

He was here because he couldn't take that annoying hero Wonderman any longer. The NPC hero had been a drain on Heroic's sanity since the fight with that mustached villain in a cheap suit. He kept making small mistakes that compounded into larger ones, causing him to fail a lot of the quests. He had been stuck on rank D for a while now since he kept botching the issued quests.

Heroic frowned. He wasn't here to recall all the failed quests, he was here to relax. Heroic turned to get a better angle watching the NPCs and forcibly shoved the topic out of his mind. His taut body started to relax as he watched a group of women play beach volleyball.

Heroic's mind started to reach the state of zen that only comes when men admire something they like. All the stressful thoughts washed away with the waves as his eyes followed all the bouncing. Yes, this was the life. No annoying heroes to distract him and no need to worry about advancing his reputation.

The ground shook and dislodged his umbrella and Heroic was buried under a layer of polyester. Heroic shoved the umbrella off as the ground shook a second, then a third time. The hero jumped to his feet and looked around wildly, trying to find the source of the tremors. His power changed to a radar to match his needs. The rudimentary radar pinged outward and returned, showing a gigantic blip from behind a row of buildings.

Heroic turned and saw a mechanical leg emerge from over a low building. Two more followed after, bringing an enormous mechanical spider into view. No, not a spider but a crab. Two large pincers snapped open and shut as the mechanical monstrosity scuttled sideways towards the blue ocean. On top of the crab rested a silver top hat with a window.

Heroic prompted his power to change. The radar disappeared and was replaced by some sort of telescopic vision. Heroic cursed, he wanted a more useful power. At least this would be easy to use.

He zoomed his vision at the window in the top hat. "It's that mustached villain!"

Heroic smiled, it was time for some revenge. He prompted his power to change again now that he used it and started towards the giant crab at a jog. His telescopic vision changed into mild super speed and the hero shot towards the crab like a bullet. As he reached one of the legs he switched his power again and jumped to cling onto the metal.

Super speed got replaced with some climbing power and Heroic scrambled up the lag. All the while the giant crab crossed the beach, upturning more shade umbrellas and kicking over sandcastles. The hero finished his climb up the machine's leg and switched his power again as he wobbled to his feet. Suddenly he felt sure-footed like he'd been living on a boat his entire life.

Heroic charged towards the windowed top hat. The villain hadn't noticed him yet. Instead, the man was staring at a control panel of long knobs. His foe's arms were hard at work manipulating the various knobs. Next to him stood a fat butler of some kind. In their hand rested a saucer balancing two martinis on top.

Heroic jumped and switched out his power to crash through the glass. He was hoping for some sort of super-strength but instead received a phasing power. His body slipped through the window and into the top hat. Undoing the power he crashed into the villain. "Surprise b*tch!"

--

Dylan looked up from his complicated control panel to see a blonde man in a swimsuit dive through the window and crash directly into him. He was so surprised by the flying tackle he completely forgot to enter into his character. As he fell to the ground with the man in a tangle of limbs he couldn't help but ask, "Did you just get censored for swearing?"

The man rolled off Dylan in a somersault onto his feet and turned. "Get f*cked!"

"No, seriously. Are you hearing that?"

"You won't distract me with your weird banter this time. You're going to pay for burying me under a giant teddy bear!"

Dylan blinked. "Are you that Spartan superhero?"

"It's Heroic you *sshole!"

"Okay, seriously can you stop swearing? The beeping is getting on my nerves."

Heroic responded with a right hook. Dylan jumped back away from it and crashed into his control panel. The giant crab-bot stopped its sideways scuttle into the ocean and twisted ninety degrees. Giant legs made their way towards the boardwalk area.

Dylan didn't have time to do anything about it. Heroic had pushed forwards to throw another fist. It connected with Dylan's chin and sent him reeling upwards. His health ticked down a small percentage.

"Cass!" Dylan shouted.

"Yeah boss?"

"A little help?"

"Oh yeah sure. Hey mister can you hold this for a second?"

Cass grabbed Heroic's shoulder and spun him around. He shoved the saucer with martinis right in the hero's face. Glass shattered against jaw and martini splashed in an arc outward. Heroic responded by kicking out. Cass doubled over and fell to the floor as the kick connected.

The respite gave Dylan enough time to set his monocle. The laser fired out, impacting against the hero's back and creating a glowing red welt. Heroic turned back around to Dylan in a spinning kick. Dylan brought up his cane to block and answered with another laser blast.

Meanwhile, the crab passed over the boardwalk. Metal legs splintered the wooden structures spread across the planks. The sea lions barked in panic and dove down into the water. The legs continued to spear through the boardwalk until it turned the area into swiss cheese.

When the second laser did nothing Dylan changed tactics. He pushed Heroic away and turned the knob on his cane. While the hero recovered he pointed the end at him and pressed down on the button at the top. White foam sprayed out of the end and covered the hero in a cloud.

Heroic laughed, "Was that supposed to do something?"

Dylan smirked. Heroic made to stomp forward and throw a punch. The white cloud stretched as he moved, pulling taught. Heroic tried his hardest to break free but the foam snapped back. "Big deal," the hero said, "this won't hold me that long."

"It only needs to hold you for long enough!" Dylan countered. "Cass bring me the escape pack!"

"Here ya go boss." Cass held out a mild-mannered backpack. Dylan grabbed it and settled into his character. "So, you thought you could best the great Dr. Zlo? I see my genius is underestimated. For you see now you are caught in a trap of my own design! The adhesive foam can stop a charging rhino in its tracks. There is no way you can escape it!"

Dr. Zlo wrapped the straps of the backpack under Heroic's exposed chest and slapped the metal decal on the back. Wings slashed out of the sides of the pack and engines on the ends ignited. The rocket pulled the hero upwards to the roof, stretching the elastic foam taut.

From there Dr. Zlo walked over to his console and pressed a button. The ceiling opened up at the center, six interlocking triangles retreating to show the blue sky. "And now," Dr. Zlo removed his top hat and flicked it at the adhesive, "begone."

The razor-edged hat flashed through the air and sheared the taut foam. With nothing left to hold it the backpack rocketed out of the top hat and into the blue sky. "That takes care of that."

"Boss look out!" Cass tackled Dr. Zlo to the ground as a beam of light shot out. Instead of hitting the villain's head, it connected with the glass window. Dr. Zlo turned to see Heroic standing a few feet away, the hero's arm turned into a laser cannon of some kind.

"Impossible!"

"Oh, you better f*cking believe it!" Heroic shot another blast. Dr. Zlo rolled out of the way and jumped to his feet.

"I blasted you out of here! There was no way you could escape!"

"Adaptability powers are a b*tch aren't they."

The hero and villain stared off against each other, neither making the first move. Dr. Zlo had his cane pointed at Heroic while the hero leveled his cannon at the villain's head. Cass chose that moment to attack.

"GRAAAA!!" He roared. The minion's arms wrapped around the hero tight. "I got him boss! I got him!"

Heroic's hand changed back into a fist and swatted the minion to the side.

"I don't got him boss!"

Dr. Zlo fired his laser monocle and turned in a dash to his console. He slammed his hand down on a large red button. Klaxons blared and red lights flashed around the room. A melodic voice spoke, "T-minus thirty seconds to self-destruct."

Heroic roared, "What?!"

"You have forced my hand, sir! I will not allow my inventions to fall into the hands of Neanderthals such as yourself! I would rather see it scattered across the beaches!"

"I'm going to f*cking kill you!"

"If you must! But know that in doing so you would destroy yourself as well. Are you willing to take that risk?"

Heroic stared at the villain as the melodic voice counted down the seconds. "You're bluffing. Do you know how big of a reputation hit that would be?"

"Yes, but who would be hit harder? Me?" Dr. Zlo pointed his cane at his chest. "Or you?" Pointing at Heroic.

"T-minus twenty seconds," the melodic voice said.

Sweat ran down Heroic's brow. He wanted to kill this troll so much, but the loss in reputation would practically put him back at the beginning. There was no way he could stand any more missions with that over the top caricature of a hero. He would rather make a new character!

At that moment, Cass ran past the hero, two escape packs in hand. "I got the packs boss!"

Seeing his chance, Heroic tripped up the minion. His foot connected with the minion's shin and sent the fat man sprawling. The butler released his hold on the packs to brace himself and Heroic snatched both out of the air. "I'm not about to lose reputation over this stupid fight. See you later!"

The hero donned the escape pack and slapped the metal decal. He rocketed up out of the robot and into the sunny sky.

The melodic voice hummed, "t-minus ten seconds."

Dr. Zlo watched as Heroic became a blip in the sky.

"Nine."

The villain turned to help Cass up.

"Eight."

He collected his razor top hat.

"Seven."

He brushed the sand off his suit jacket.

"Six."

He turned back to the console.

"Five."

He pressed the small blue button next to the large self-destruct.

"Self-destruct canceled. Have a nice day."

Humming to himself, Dr. Zlo directed closed the hatch on his top hat and maneuvered the giant robot into the ocean.

"Silly of that guy to think you didn't have an off switch for the self-destruct eh boss?"

"Indeed Cass. Now, onwards to the phlebotinium!"

Dr. Zlo and his giant crab sunk beneath the waves of the ocean, out of sight. He left behind him a trashed beach of distraught tourists. Debris from the boardwalk littered the once pearly white beach. It was as if a hurricane had passed by to say hello.

At the end of the beach, hiding behind an overturned umbrella, crouched a man. He was dressed in surfer's garb and held onto a surfboard. He surveyed the wreckage caused by the gigantic crab bot and whispered, "Holy sh*t."