The Legend of Randidly Ghosthound

Xershi scowled as he dragged Randidly Ghosthound’s limp body across the threshold; truthfully, he was barely managing to stay upright as he staggered under the uneven yet ponderous weight of their companion. Pullas chatted happily with Fiona as the two women entered through the stone arch into Duulys’s true dwelling.

Xershi followed behind, doing his best to ignore the whine of the servo engines in his knees.

Whether it was the fight against Duulys or the impossible density that seemed to exist within the Ghosthound, Xershi almost released a moan of pleasure when he slopped the dark-haired human’s body down on a chair. Unfortunately, the unconscious form keeled sideways until he collapsed onto the floor with a loud thump. Pullas twisted around and gave Xershi a piercing glance, but Xershi just folded his arms across his chest. I got him in here, didn’t I? Which was just as horrible as I expected it would be…

“We should celebrate,” Fiona announced as she pivoted on the wooden floors and looked at him and Pullas. Her eyes flicked briefly to Randidly, but then returned to the two conscious individuals. She seemed determined. “I… have finally cleared up something that I’ve been wondering about for a long time; my ex-husband is indeed a giant dick. So let’s make a meal, throw a party, just really let loose. If anyone has it, I could really use some alcohol. I just feel so… free.”

Her eyes were so, so bright as she spoke. Her smile released so much charm that it pressed against their skin. Truly, Fiona was a beautiful humanoid. However, the moment felt wrong. Xershi wouldn’t consider himself an expert in emotions, yet it was obvious that Fiona was using a smile to mask her inner turmoil.

Yet he couldn’t deny that a meal sounded quite nice.

“I agree. A meal would be excellent at a time like this,” Pullas nodded eagerly. Then she seemed to pout and glanced back at the body on the wooden ground. Randidly’s chest slowly rose and fell. “Ahem. I feel like we should face the elephant in the room-- usually, Randidly is the one to provide the ingredients and cook the meal. So between the three of us, we should divide up tasks-”

“For this, at least,” Fiona said brightly. She walked to the far wall, behind the sturdy wood of the kitchen table. Her hand reached out for the cabinet. “I have a solution. Based on the fact that none of the security protocols are different in this replica of our original home, I bet that the food is stored in the same spot. This bastard… is a creature of habit.”

Fiona gripped the handle of the cabinet and pulled it open. But to everyone’s surprise, the cabinet creaked but didn’t open. Even Xershi’s eyebrows rose at the failure; with the boost in Stats provided by their connection to the Ghosthound, the fact that a mundane task wasn’t simplicity itself was strange. Fiona glowered at the door and tugged harder, finally prying it open.

A smell wafted out of the shadowy opening. Pullas made a strangled noise with her throat, as she had intended to take a normal breath but her instincts stopped her halfway. Even Xershi’s receptors sizzled unpleasantly at the stench of rot and death that came out of the small cavity.

A thick cockroach peaked its head out of the hollowed-out crust of what could only have once been a loaf of bread, now covered in dreadful green protrusions of mold. It waved its antenna in irritation, as though the three were disturbing its peaceful slumber. Deeper in the shadows of the cupboard, older and even more warped remnants of perishable foodstuffs oozed vaguely. The presence of fresh air seemed to invigorate their decay.

“This fucking bastard still can’t even clean-!” Fiona shook, her image rising with her body and becoming a searing wave of incredulity that annihilated both the smelly contents and the cupboard itself in a flash of mauve judgment. The wood burnt in a furious few seconds of heat, leaving only a charred mark on the wall. As the image reverberations slowly died down in the room, Xershi noted with distaste that the smell still lingered.

He and Pullas exchanged a glance. Both moved to the small windows in the cottage dwelling and pushed them open.

When they returned, Fiona’s shoulders were still rising and falling, the emotions she had masked earlier now roused to incandescent wakefulness. “I just can’t understand… did he really eat nothing since he created this home…? Is he fine allowing our home to simply rot-”

Her jaw clicked shut, perhaps only now registering that she had said our home. Xershi scratched his neck awkwardly, suddenly aware that it didn’t seem likely that they would be able to eat a meal with what they had on hand. Pullas moved to Fiona’s side and put a hand on her shoulder. “I know it’s not exactly… good etiquette. But why don’t I take a look inside of Randidly’s interspatial rings and just find some food that way? A party is still a good idea.”

Fiona nodded curtly and Pullas walked toward Randidly’s slumped form. Before actually reaching for his interspatial ring, she shot Xershi a sharp glare. “Did you really need to be so cruel as just to leave him collapsed here? At least make him comfortable…”

The words itched at Xershi, but he simply folded his arms; she would soon understand.

As he had hoped, Pullas’s first order of business was to reposition him. She slipped her arms underneath his waist and legs and heaved him up. The man barely budged and Pullas’s eyes began to bulge at her impotent efforts. Xershi couldn’t help but chuckle, which drew Fiona’s gaze over. The older woman shook her head. “Just work together so we can eat. God, now this place fucking reeks. Even without an image, that bastard…”

Xershi produced a synthetic saliva substitute at the thought of one of the Ghosthound’s meals, so he went over and assisted Pullas. They managed to shuffle sideways, the Ghosthound’s body suspended off the ground, and toss him onto a low couch along one of the walls. Pullas took great care in twisting the limbs so he seemed to be only lying in repose. Except when she reached for Randidly’s left arm, it made a warning hum that made her recoil.

She looked at Xershi. “Did you hear that?”

Xershi nodded sagely. “To think that this whole time, Randidly’s left arm has harbored such a deep resentment against you…”

Pullas flushed. “What? No, it doesn’t. It was probably just a sleep tremor. So-” She reached again for the arm and it once again buzzed, this time at a much higher frequency. Randidly’s fingers even went so far as to extend themselves. In addition, his spear/belt unwrapped itself and slithered up like a snake, the spearhead swinging from arm to Pullas and bobbing, as though trying to placate them both.

Once he began, Xershi couldn’t stop laughing. Or at least he thought his mirth seemed endless. But when he glanced over at Fiona, to share some of his amusement at the weird situation, he saw the other woman standing at the window with a hollow expression on her face. He didn’t need to ask what she was looking at. Something inside of him sighed. The laughter slowed and died.

Pullas put her hands on her hips, unaware of the morose mood that stewed at one end of the cottage. “Randidly, you’re awake, aren’t you?”

“His images are completely still, his Nether is still sluggish,” Fiona spoke distantly. Her gaze didn’t waver from the area outside the window. “That man is truly unconscious. His equipment just seems… peculiar.”

“Everything about him is peculiar,” Pullas grumbled as she crouched down next to Randidly’s form. She made sure to avoid both the left arm and the suddenly curious spear, which followed each of her movements with its gleaming and slightly serrated tip. “Why the hell did I have to end up with such peculiar people?”

“I’m quite normal,” Xershi protested at the same time as Fiona said. “Unusual people are the only ones that can shock you out of a rut.”

Pullas grumbled inaudibly to both these answers. Yet as her hand extended toward Randidly’s interspatial ring, suddenly a low and rumbling voice made all three conscious members of the Ascension Pact freeze. “And what the hell is happening here?”

All three manifested their images in the face of this surprising figure. Xershi and Fiona whirled around, pushing back the lingering exhaustion from the confrontation against Duulys. Pullas sprang backward and scrambled to her feet. In his mind, Xershi wondered if Duulys possessed some other subordinates that they hadn’t yet subdued.

The trio felt slightly underwhelmed when the speaker turned out to be a strange, almost-image projection that hovered above Randidly’s body. The figure had heavy stone features and a sculpted musculature. His rock biceps still had enough detail to bulge realistically as he folded his arms across his chest.

Xershi kept his opinion to himself, but he quite liked this strange fellow.

“Who are you?” Fiona demanded.

“Me?” The projection straightened and jabbed a finger toward Pullas. “Why, I’m simply one of the leading figures of the prestigious Patheon of the Alpha Cosmos, the Earth Golem Emperor himself, noticing a disturbance around the Ghosthound’s unconscious body as some thief tries to steal from him. And what sort of duplicitous cabal are all you?”

“I’m not a thief,” Pullas said defensively. “I just wanted to cook a meal.”

The Earth Golem Emperor gave her a scathing look. “With ingredients that don’t belong to you.”

Pullas’s face began rapidly to redden and puff up. She very clearly wanted to contradict what the projection was saying but had no way to do so. Xershi suppressed another snicker, feeling cheer spread through his body. Weirdly, nothing gave him quite the same sense of release as watching Pullas’s frustration build.

“What’s the Alpha Cosmos?” Fiona spoke aloud, completely ignoring the whole issue of Pullas being a thief.

Suddenly, it was the projection’s turn to freeze. Even Xershi could sense his panic as he looked around at the three of them and tried to backpedal verbally. “Ah… well, there is no need for you to know. It is a fearsome place filled with towering figures of untold power.”

“Certainly, it seems like quite the marvelous location,” Fiona revealed one of her dazzling smiles. She swayed forward as she crossed the room. “Strange hero, I would quite like to visit such a majestic cosmos. Did you say you were an emperor? Your palace must be quite the sight to see.”

“Ahh… well…” The projection rapidly began to fade. “Anyway, just try and resist the impulse to steal in the future!”

Then the projection faded. But the powerful senses of the trio very clearly followed the path of the projection’s retreat. Fiona looked around with a much more genuine grin on her face. “You felt that, yes?”

“The projection… faded back into Randidly’s body directly.” Pullas nodded slowly. “Perhaps this Alpha Cosmos… is actually located within him?”

“It would explain why he’s so heavy,” Xershi commented.

“His Nether is beginning to stabilize back to healthy levels,” Fiona seemed weirdly excited as she crouched down next to Randidly and pressed her hands against his chest. “Pullas, see if you can activate your tattoo… to move us inside his body, into this so-called Alpha Cosmos.”

“Won’t that just… antagonize that emperor further…?” Pullas said uncertainly.

Fiona's smile was slow and dripping temptation. “Pullas, you can’t tell me you aren’t a little interested in flustering that man who called you a thief a little bit more? After he was so rude? Surely, he was overzealous in his accusations. How could we, Ascension Pact members with Randidly, be thieves?”

“But also, won’t that be invasive?” Goody-two-shoes Pullas wavered slightly in the face of Fiona’s words. “Of Randidly, I mean.”

“Consider this,” Xershi interrupted, talking out of his ass. “What if we can help Randidly recover? Perhaps it is some interior damage that keeps him sleeping like this. Honestly, we might have a duty to investigate his internal world and figure out the situation.”

When Pullas paused to think about it, Xershi and Fiona exchanged a triumphant smile.