Reluctantly Willing

“You can’t eat solids yet. Here’s some specially made liquid food for you, have some.”

An Xiaoyan took his eyes off the window and said indifferently, “Don’t waste your energy on me anymore. Although I don’t understand why you saved me, I’ve lived enough. Don’t waste your money either. I’ll leave later.”

“It was the nanny who saved you. She’s outside with the young master now.”

An Xiaoyan propped himself up and was about to go out, but Chen Chen stepped forward and laid him on the bed.

“Let go.”

Both of them refused to budge. The voice of a child came from the door. Guo Guo ran in and climbed onto the bed. He shouted at An Xiaoyan in a loud voice, “Daddy.”

“Not Daddy, I’m Uncle.” When An Xiaoyan saw the child, his heart softened. Guo Guo’s tender voice made him give up the struggle and he went back onto the bed again.

“Uncle! Uncle!”

“You’re a good boy, you know how to call uncle already.” An Xiaoyan struggled to raise his right hand to touch Guo Guo’s soft hair, and Chen Chen retreated to allow them time to be alone. He could see that An Xiaoyan really liked the young master. Only when facing Guo Guo, could he be willing to lay down his armor and face him with his most authentic self.

“This is the bed, this is the quilt, you will learn slowly.”

Guo Guo did not fully understand what he was told. He continued looking at An Xiaoyan and nodded. He then grabbed the quilt and began to roll on the bed.

“Uncle Daddy.”

“No, it’s Daddy and Uncle.”

Guo Guo repeated, “Daddy and Uncle.”

Gu Jun saw through the window at the door and the heartwarming scene hit the softest part of his heart.

When Guo Guo was tired of playing and fell asleep in the ward, Gu Jun threw his cigarette into the garbage can, calmed down and made up his mind to enter the ward. The VIP ward was very large and the orange leaves of the ginkgo trees were clearly visible outside the window sill.

The first glance at the door revealed An Xiaoyan staring at the ginkgo tree outside the window. Despite donning the hospital clothes, he exuded a sense of beauty with his straight nose and white lips.

“Woken up?”

The voice stimulated An Xiaoyan’s body like an electric current. He shook his head in horror, lifted the quilt from the bed with his legs, and knelt down on the floor.

“Mr. Gu, I only ask for you to let me live for one more day. Tomorrow I will knife myself again. The last time round, the knife was not stabbed accurately. This time, I will make sure that I stab myself accurately and deeply. I will never wake up again.”

Upon hearing those words, Gu Jun’s anger rushed from his feet to his head, and he shouted, “Who told you to die?! Did I tell you to die?!”

An Xiaoyan trembled and laughed bitterly. Yes, Gu Jun can’t give up so easily. How could he let me die so easily? Then he said, “Okay, I can sell my body. The debt that I owe you, I’ll pay it back with the money that I earn selling my body. Once I’m able to get out of bed, I’ll go.”

A slap hit An Xiaoyan on the face. The burning pain made him dizzy. Gu Jun said, “Why do you want to do this? Did I tell you to do that? How dare you directly violate my orders!”

“Mr. Gu, I know you are mocking me. I don’t have the right and purpose to live. You don’t have to test me anymore.”

“I shouldn’t have saved you. Should’ve let you die!”

After Gu Jun left angrily, An Xiaoyan held on to the window with the support of the bed. The night was thick and the leaves of the ginkgo tree outside the window were brushed by the wind.

Seeing Gu Jun’s angry face, Chen Chen knew that something must have happened again. After Gu Jun had been sitting down for a while, Chen Chen began to ask what had happened.

“He actually hates me so much. He said he would sell himself in two days’ time. Why did he say that? I told him I don’t need him to die. Why must he anger me?”

“What did you do?”

This sentence woke Gu Jun up. Gu Jun responded, “I, I hit him. When I saw his indifferent look, I got angry and couldn’t control myself.”

Gu Jun looked at his hand. There was still a little scarlet on it. It was the mark left by that slap.

After An Xiaoyan was slapped, the wound that had just healed on his chest cracked open again, and liquid was flowing out from the corner of his mouth slowly. The basic instinct before death made him reach out for the bed bell. But in the final vision before he lost his consciousness, the bed bell seemed to be drifting farther away from him until he could not see it anymore. The moment before he fell unconscious, he heard someone yelling for the doctor, but he was tired and wanted to fall asleep.

When he was a kid, there were always cartoons showing the characters escaping from earth in a spaceship. Now he really wished to escape.

The wound finally closed again and An Xiaoyan insisted on being discharged. A group of nurses advised him to wait for a few more days. However, he was determined to get out of bed.

He had difficulty getting out of bed and insisted on leaving. Gu Jun took him in his arms and carried him out of the ward in the presence of everyone.

“Mr. Gu, let me down. I can walk by myself.”

“It will take forever for you to walk out on your own.”

After germination, it will grow rapidly. Even if it is under control, it cannot be stopped. The more restrained, the greater the desire.

Lying in Gu Jun’s arms, An Xiaoyan did not understand why he did this. Was it out of pity for me? Or does he wish to continue torturing me? Where is he going to take me? Forget it, it’s the same everywhere.

Gu Jun took him to the car, deliberately lowered the car seat and let An Xiaoyan lie on it. He ensured that everything was fine before driving.

The traffic lights on the road were constantly changing, just like Gu Jun’s mood. He wanted to take care of An Xiaoyan and his body. Seeing An Xiaoyan appear so weak, his heart ached. But he did not know how to express all of this.

After some time, An Xiaoyan felt very cold. Gu Jun carried him out.

It was Gu Jun’s villa, his nightmare place.

“Mr. Gu, let me down. I don’t deserve to live here. I have a rented house.”

Gu Jun’s actions were never questioned. He took An Xiaoyan into the guest room on the second floor and put him on the bed.

Guo Guo was playing with toys in the living room. When he saw An Xiaoyan, he dropped the toys and went upstairs with open arms to embrace An Xiaoyan.

“Uncle Daddy, Uncle Daddy…”

The babysitter quickly pulled Guo Guo back and sat at the side.

“An Xiaoyan, don’t leave, live here, this is your home.”

The commanding tone forced An Xiaoyan not to retort, “Okay, I’m not leaving.”

He could not go against Gu Jun’s orders and there was nothing wrong about obeying.

“Uncle and Daddy…”

Guo Guo climbed onto the bed again, smiled at An Xiaoyan, and boldly embraced his body, rubbing against his chest.

“Play…”

The inarticulately spoken words sounded like a surprise to An Xiaoyan. He pulled Guo Guo to his side and said, “Okay, Uncle will play with you. What do you want to play with?”

Guo Guo took out a small train and handed it to An Xiaoyan. He took it and said to Guo Guo, “This is huo che.”

“Guo ze.”

“It’s huo che.”

“Guo che.”

“Huo che.”

“Huo che.”

An Xiaoyan had been living in the villa for two days. Gu Jun had not been home during these two days, leaving An Xiaoyan and Guo Guo, together with a few servants, in the villa. It was as if the servants had agreed beforehand, none of the servants appeared within An Xiaoyan’s sight. The nanny was the only one who would appear periodically to make milk for Guo Guo.

“Mr. An, you take care of people so well, the young master can depend on you in the future.” the nanny meant every word she said. Since the young master came home, he not only became lively, but also spoke. He became curious about many things, and was especially close to Mr. An.

“He’s still a child. He’ll learn as long as you teach him slowly.”

The nanny could not gauge his mood and asked, “Mr. An, why did you… a few days ago?”

She did not complete her sentence but An Xiaoyan knew what she was asking. He replied, “I’ve lived enough. Maybe death is a kind of relief, but now it seems that I can’t be relieved.”

“Mr. An, it’s good to be alive. You see, young master likes you so much. There’s always a lot of happiness when you’re around him.”

An Xiaoyan did not reply. He just sat quietly and looked at Guo Guo who was playing with the small train at the other side of the room.

If he could teach Guo Guo and make Guo Guo become a normal child, could his sin be reduced?

Winter was approaching, the plane trees outside the window had already withered, and the cold wind was whistling.

Gu Jun returned home to see An Xiaoyan looking out the window, staring at the last leaf on the plane tree. An Xiaoyan looked like a fairy, quiet and beautiful. This made Gu Jun stand in the doorway feeling fascinated.

Ever since An Xiaoyan committed suicide, Gu Jun knew what it was like to be fearful. He feared that one day he might suddenly see the body of An Xiaoyan. He did not know what kind of feeling this was. He hated it, but was reluctant to part with it.

Guo Guo shouted and greeted Gu Jun, holding a small train in his hand. He grinned and said, “Huo che, huo che.”

This was the first time that he heard words from his son in his presence. Gu Jun squatted down, looked at his son, who bore a striking resemblance to himself, and touched his head. “Hmm, huo che. Daddy will buy you a box of toy huo che, alright?”

Guo Guo raised his head and kissed Gu Jun on the face. It was the first time Gu Jun did not resent baby saliva on his face.

An Xiaoyan heard Gu Jun’s voice and curled up to make himself less noticeable.

But Gu Jun naturally chose to sit beside him, pick up the remote, and turn on the TV.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I will do anything. Even sleeping.” He wanted to take off his clothes after he spoke.

This extremely submissive manner did not arouse Gu Jun’s sexual desire. He only held An Xiaoyan in his arms and smelled him.

Everything was the same, yet everything seemed to be different.

“You just need to stay at home, accompany Guo Guo or watch TV by yourself. Don’t go out.”

“Okay.” Now his personal rights were under Gu Jun’s control and he obediently submitted to Gu Jun. Anyway, he was half dead. He would obey all that Gu Jun told him to do. After all, he had nothing left.

“That’s good.” You’re not going to die. That’s good. I don’t want to withstand that fear anymore. As long as An Xiaoyan is trapped, he will not die.